A is for Anteater
by laurelangel
Summary: Naruto gets Sasuke in trouble. What else is new? An anteater. Sasuke knew he should have stayed in bed that morning.
1. A is for Anteater

Title: A is for Anteater

Summary: Naruto gets Sasuke in trouble. What else is new? An anteater. Sasuke knew he should have stayed in bed.

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: I do not own it. I just play in it.

* * *

"A is for anteater." Sasuke paused for a moment, contemplating the phrase that left his mouth. He did not believe that particular phrase had ever been uttered from his lips. He was quite sure he had never had an occasion on which to say the word "anteater" before. 

Before today that is.

When Naruto—the idiot—just could not keep his damn mouth _shut_ for _once_ in his short little existence (it would be even shorter if Sasuke had any say in it—and he did) and had to go nag the Hokage about that recent gambling trip.

Sasuke really should have known today was going to be a bad day when he rolled out of bed and stepped on that shuriken. He should have shrugged, sat back down, gone to sleep and given up on the day. Right at that moment. At least then he would not have been in the vicinity when Naruto—the idiot—shot off his mouth ("Things get a bit too _dicey_ last weekend for you _little Granny_?") and Sasuke would not have been included in Tsundae's hang-over induced temper tantrum.

It would have been fine if the orange clad wonder just took to being punched through two walls in good humor. Sadly, this was not the case. Naruto-the _idiot-_ had to come back for seconds, he was always the one that had to have the last word ("Or are you just pissed that this time the casino actually bought the 'I'm so old I'm senile and don't know what I'm doing' line?"). Idiot was going to get them both killed one day.

"Oi, Sasuke duck!"

Maybe that day was today.

Highly toned ninja reflexes (resulting from daily reactions to life or death incidents) usually came in handy with unidentifiable flying objects. Unfortunately, Sasuke had not expected the offending flying object to be finger paint. Sasuke grimaced at blue gooey gunk covering his right hand and sheltered the book in his other arm.

"Eh-heh, eh…Sorry?" Naruto gave him a strained smile from his position by the easels across the room and rubbed one hand on the back of his head nervously, forgetting that it was covered in paint and adding red and blue streaks through his hair.

Sasuke grimaced in a "what I want to say to you can't be said here so I'll just skewer you later with my kunai collection" sort-of fashion and returned his attention to his current predicament. The one with the anteater.

_

* * *

_

_Two Hours Earlier…_

"Actually, boys, I think I have the _perfect_ mission for you." Tsunade sat back in her chair, practically purring as she cradled a cracked teacup. Sasuke could not help but think that her next words were going to lead to an untold amount of misery and pain.

"Eh—you do, Granny?" Naruto—the idiot, stopped his inflammatory remarks concerning Tsunade's favorite past time and squinted, bewildered.

"Oh yes." Tsunade took a sip of tea and examined her figernails. "In fact, this is a most urgent mission received just this morning. It is so very important that I would trust only one or two of my most _talented_ and _experienced_ ninja to—"

"We'll take it!" Naruto slammed his hand down on Tsunade's desk, a few of the papers which had survived their earlier verbal spat fluttered to the floor.

Sasuke did not have a good feeling about the smirk on Tsunade's face.

"Are you sure, little boy? This mission requires absolute dedication, patience, attention and focus, and I won't tolerate—"

"I said we'd do it old lady! Bastard here, and me too, we can take any mission you throw at us! We are the two best ninja here and this future hokage can handle any—"

"Wonderful!" Tsunade set her teacup down and reached for a scroll perched innocently on the side of her desk.

Sasuke actually had a very _bad_ feeling about all of this. He shifted his weight once, nervously, and pondered whether perhaps jumping out the nearest window in hasty retreat would be too big a blow to his dignity.

"Now, this is long term mission, one which will last approximately twenty-six days. I'll need you to report for duty immediately upon leaving this building. You will not need much equipment, rations will be provided, and the rank of the mission is pending mission completion, as no never knows what to expect from these sorts of things, but hopefully if all goes—"

"Neh, Granny, what is this, some type of fancy escort mission?"

Tsunade tilted her head and smirked slightly, the scroll dangling from one hand as the other reclaimed her teacup. "You could say that. But you won't really be doing any hard traveling." Tsunade's voice suddenly turned serious. "However, there is a chance that your charges may be attacked, and as they are perhaps Konoha's most precious treasures, I will expect you to protect and defend them—"

"Yeah-yeah, what are we taking care of, really ancient scrolls? Cool weapons? Oh-I really hope it's not any of that moo-sehm stuff Sakura-chan talks about sometimes…"

"It's "museum" Uzumaki, and I wouldn't let you near one even if you _were_ the hokage!"

Naruto grinned "Wanna _bet_?"

Tsunade's teacup crashed down on the desk not only shattering, but also leaving a decent dent in its wake. "Don't even start with me, Uzuma—"

Sasuke felt that now was an appropriate time to intervene. "Excuse me, Tsunade-sama, but where exactly, and what exactly are we doing again?"

Tsunade turned toward Sasuke, and he watched the tension leave her shoulders as she relaxed once more in her chair. She retrieved the scroll and wound it up, holding it toward Sasuke, who hesitantly took hold of it. Tsunade grinned and folded her hands together. Her voice was concerned and as sweet as the sake he knew she slipped into that teapot on her desk.

"Why Uchiha, as Naruto-kun has so kindly pledged that both of you will fulfill this mission to the best of your abilities, for the remainder of the month you'll be the substitute care-takers at the Little Ninja Sitter Center."

He should have chosen the window.

* * *

_Present Time…_

Children. Children and Anteaters and Finger Paint. Running around and screaming and throwing stuffed animals and pulling hair and picking their noses and toppling the easels and really, did Tsunade honestly think this was an appropriate mission for either of them? Naruto—**the idiot**—couldn't even keep his plants alive and—"

His thoughts were interrupted by a crash.

"Hey, hey now, don't do that!" Naruto (so thoroughly covered in finger paint he resembled modern abstract art) had one child, around five, trapped under his left arm, a seven year old pinned under his foot, and was attempting to console a sobbing little girl of about four that her painting was not ruined, it was just reflecting "a new outlook on bunny rabbits! Yeah, like, I've always thought bunny rabbits should have green spots and, uh, who says the sky has to be blue anyways?"

Sasuke snorted and returned to his book. He had captured the attention of eight children (literally, captured, they sat, bound in ropes, at his feet) with this delightful tale and would soon be entertaining more if that one kid in the corner carried through with his plan to put peanut butter in that little girl's hair. Although, the little girl in question was obviously related to the Inuzuka's and could most likely take care of herself…nevertheless, Sasuke took a deep breath, repositioned his storybook and continued.

"A is for anteater and B is for..."

"Bastard! You low life son of a-" The little girl (Sasuke was now positive of her relation to the Inizuka clan, no other children that young used curse words that proficiently) had found the peanut butter in her hair and now seemed intent on smothering her attacker in a crayon bucket.

Sasuke closed his eyes and reminded himself that he only had to live through twenty-six days of this, and then the regular care-taker, babysitter, whatever, would be back from her maternity leave.

Crap. He was doomed.


	2. B is for Brownies

Title: A is for Anteater

Summary: Never in his most bizarre dreams had Sasuke imagined a mission to guard a batch of brownies could go so very, very badly….

Rating: T (language and innuendos)

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: Sasuke and Naruto are not mine. They just like to yell at each other inside my head.

* * *

Chapter Two

Back off my Brownies

For the twelfth time that morning, Sasuke sighed.

He knew it was twelve (times he had sighed this morning, that is), because counting sighs was one of his most reliable methods of keeping track of time. Usually, twelve sighs meant it was ten thirty and forty five seconds into the morning. Unfortunately, right now it was only eight thirty three and twenty seven seconds, on a _Tuesday._ This…was not a good sign.

Sasuke leaned against the bulletin board on the far wall of the playroom (it proudly displayed several finger-painted bunnies, at least, he assumed those were bunnies) while Naruto exchanged pleasantries (and reassurances) with a chunin up front. Sasuke was not allowed to talk to said chunin anymore after winning a game of hunter-nin with said chunin's twins the previous day. Apparently, said chunin ("He has a _name_, Bastard, would it kill you use it?") was a bit irate that Sasuke had tied up the defeated hunter-nin wannabes with ninja wire and explosive notes. ("They weren't real! I promise! Err, right Sasuke?" "…" "Umm, they won't be real next time?").

Apparently, this was not appropriate.

Apparently, pointing out that explosive tags should be the least of his worries if his kids actually did become captured by nuke-nin was also not appropriate.

No matter, it was not like Konoha had _another_ daycare center that specialized in caring for ninja children. Civilian daycares did not like accepting children who came from homes where training with pointy, life-threatening objects was not only encouraged but part of daily routine.

Although, Sasuke himself _had_ been to one, once. A normal daycare, that is. His father scoffed at the idea. Why pay for day care when they had plenty of relatives who could not only watch him but teach him something useful, too, like taijutsu? However, his mother insisted that Sasuke "needs to socialize with children his own age," and learn about "normal little boy things," and not be "so focused on skewering my laundry line with kunai when he's just four!" After a night of sleeping on the dojo floor, his father reconsidered the subject.

So, Sasuke went to daycare. Once. A group of older boys coaxed him to play a silly little game with a black and white ball. They _did_ try to explain the rules to him, but Sasuke's favorite rule at that age (this age too) was "never leave your opponents in a position to retaliate."

The game lasted ten minutes.

Sasuke won.

His mother had fussed angrily and made him visit all five boys in the hospital for a month until a skittish, gray-haired doctor nervously informed her that Sasuke's presence was causing "prolonged mental anguish" for his patients and "interfering with the healing environment".

Anyway, as far as Sasuke was concerned, the chunin was a captive client until his kids reached Academy age. And then, he really _would_ rejoice if the worst that happened in a day was a controlled encounter with explosive notes.

Sasuke was distracted from basking in one of the (few) happy memories of his younger years by a failed hunter-nin twin (in obvious want of hairbrush and a matching pair of socks) toppling a mock hokage tower composed of cardboard bricks. This signaled the start of the great Leaf war vs. the—well, Sasuke actually could not actually tell the identity of the enemy. He supposed it did not matter as long as no one drew blood.

Sasuke grimaced as wondered where the nearest first aid kit might be, and he also wondered if he could catch a nap by pretending to brood. Any semblance of brooding would keep the kids away, but unless Naruto thought Sasuke was still thoroughly pissed at him, he would catch on to Sasuke's act in, at the most, five minutes.

This was truly unfortunate, for, unlike Naruto, Sasuke stayed awaked through the previous night reading books the hokage had sent him on childcare (the hokage did not bother to send Naruto books since that one incident where Naruto ran out of toilet paper and decided to make do with whatever was lying around his trashed apartment).

_Childcare._ Ugghh. The very word made him cringe.

Who the _heck_ in their right minds willingly lets Sasuke Uchiha "care" for their children? Vulnerable, open minded, fussy, breakable….the only thing _less_ synonymous than the words "Sasuke and childcare" were the words "Naruto and childcare". Or perhaps the words "Naruto _and_ Sasuke and Childcare" should be considered the most inappropriate combination.

This… could only end badly.

"Umm…Uchiha-san?" Sasuke stopped his inner monologue and glared at the tiny hand tugging on his pant leg accompanied by an even tinier voice.

A little girl in pigtails with big green eyes, about six he would guess (although guessing the age of children was not a specialty) gazed at him hesitantly. She bit her lip and thrust a tin container up at him.

Sasuke blinked.

"Here." The little girl stood on tiptoes and pushed the container forward.

Sasuke cautiously took hold of the container with both hands, holding it hesitantly as far away as possible. He focused his attention on the container.

It was light, composed of some cheap metal and covered in a red-tinted floral pattern. Nothing moved inside the container. It emitted no sound. Sasuke was beginning to feel slightly ridiculous. The girl was what, eight? The container was _not _going to explode.

"Umm, Uchiha-san, it's just brownies…" The little girl appeared concerned for his mental state. Maybe she was nine. If Sasuke was nine and in her shoes he, too, would be concerned for his mental state.

"Brownies?" Sasuke looked at the red tin and took the lid off.

He blinked.

Brownies.

With multi-color sprinkles.

Wait, why was he being given brownies?

"Yeah, my Mom made them for everyone 'cuz its my birthday today."

Apparently Sasuke was supposed to give a response to this because several seconds of awkward silence ensued before the pig-tailed little girl threw her hands up in the air with a a resigned "Just pass them out at snack-time!"

Sasuke watched Pigtails stomp off to the dollhouse where a gaggle of goggling, giggling girls, converged upon her. Sasuke frowned. Seven-year old fan-girls. _Great_.

Sasuke looked down at the container of brownies. Okay, all he had to do was keep the brownies safe until snack-time. He could deal with that.

A guard mission.

Easy.

Right?

* * *

"Bye lady, see you later!" The bell on the door chimed lightly as the last regular client left for the morning. Naruto grinned and shoved away from the registration counter and sauntered into the playroom. Well, tried to saunter, at least. Naruto blushed and swore softly as he fiddled with the door handle. He hated these childproof handle thing-a-ma-bobs. Gah-these blasted things were annoying. 

Finally getting the door opened, (and remembering to close it this time, as he did not want a repeat of hide and seek in the shopping district that occurred yesterday) he stepped in the bed of a toy truck as he stumbled over to check in with Sasuke. He stopped short at Sasuke's bent head and hesitated, was Sasuke still that pissed…? Nah, he was probably just sleeping. Naruto wrenched the truck off his foot and resumed his sauntering.

"Yo!" Naruto slapped Sasuke on the shoulder and was rewarded with a scowl as Sasuke hunched over a red box protectively.

Naruto leaned in, curious.

Sasuke pushed him back, scowling _more_ (Sasuke was _so_ anal about personal space).

Naruto pouted. "Hey now, what's with the box?"

Sasuke looked at him gravely, clutching the mysterious box tightly. "Brownies."

"Brownies?" Naruto scrunched his eyes and scratched his head. What the heck was Sasuke doing with _brownies_?

"Hm." Sasuke returned his attention to the box.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Gee Bas—" The rest of his words were cut off in a yelp as Sasuke freed a hand from the box and used it to slap Naruto upside the head.

"Stuff it. Watch your mouth around the kids." Sasuke punctuated his hiss with a nod to a group of girls playing at a dollhouse.

Naruto wanted to roll his eyes again, but felt it would be redundant (he learned that word from the dictionary Sakura-chan gave him for Christmas) so he settled for a Sasuke-esque grunt. He watched the little girls in their pastel summer dresses play innocently with their dolls. The dolls were getting ready for a party apparently, judging from all the clothes strewn about the house. Sasuke was seriously paranoid. (Not _all_ girls hung on Sasuke's every word. Sasuke was like, ancient, compared to them.)

"Whatever. Are you actually gonna eat one of those?"

"No."

Naruto blinked. "Why not? They don't look poisoned. Here, let me try—"

Sasuke snatched Naruto's arm mid grab.

"NO. Later."

Naurto tried to twist away, whining. "Later? But they look _good now_—"

Sasuke firmly shook his head and pushed Naruto's arm away. "Later. At snack time."

"Why? They look all nice an' warm an' gooey and full of chocolate—" Naruto shoved gazed at the brownies wistfully.

Sasuke's lips thinned as he eyed Naruto wearily and switched the box to his far hand. "Later, moron. The girl said snack time."

"What girl?"

Sasuke sneered. "The one with the birthday."

"Oh really? Awesome! Wait, which one is she?" Naruto straightened and looked around the playroom.

"…Pigtails."

Naruto frowned. "Sasuke-that's, like, half of them."

"…Hn."

* * *

Naruto threw his hands in the air and began to rant. (Sasuke noted that this was the second time he had garnered that reaction this morning. If it were a normal day, it would be eleven) "You're no help at all!" Naruto stood in front of him, one hand on his hip, the other wagging a finger at him and poking him threateningly in the chest. "I'm gonna make you check them in from now on until you learn names!" 

Sasuke shrugged. "We're only here for a month."

"That's not an excuse to not remember people's names, dumba—Umphf!" Naruto's arms flailed wildly as he choked on the brownie Sasuke stuffed in his mouth.

"Language." Sasuke watched calmly as Naruto struggled to respond around the brownie.

"I oht oo ehd no owies ill ack ime?"

"Don't talk with your mouth full. It's rude."

"Uht ah oo, my udder?"

"Udder? I am not an udder."

Naruto finally managed to swallow, and swatted angrily at Sasuke's head. He missed, of course. "No! I said 'what are you my mother?'"

"How can he be your mother?" Their conversation was interrupted by a boy with tousled brown hair. Sasuke vaguely remembered this one responsible for setting up the tuck for Naruto to step in earlier. Not that Sasuke would tell Naruto anything about that.

Sasuke glared at Truck-Boy. "I'm not his mother. Go away."

Truck-Boy flinched, but continued on, bravely, "But he said you were!" Truck-Boy pointed at Naruto.

"He was being sarcastic. Now leave." Sasuke made to push the brat away with his foot (stupid kids and their lack of appreciation for personal boundaries) but was thwarted by Naruto.

"_Jeeze_, Sasuke, easy." Naruto knelt down, grinning, and ruffled the kid's hair. "Sorry kid, I was just teasing him. It was a joke, you know?"

"Why?"

"Umm…I don't know it just seemed the thing to do…why don't you go play or something." Naruto laughed nervously and twitched a bit as Truck-Boy kept staring.

"I can't. Takanori took my ball."

Naruto blinked. "Uhh, then…can you just take it back?"

"…" Sasuke took the child's silence as a no and decided to give his own advice (based on what he learned from the book _Children and their Peers _by "renowned childhood expert Sana Kurata").

"Find a new ball."

"But I want that one." Truck-Boy pointed at a green shiny ball being passed between Hunter-Nin Flunkee One and Two.

"Can't I have that one?" Ahh-whining, there had been a chapter on that, too.

"Deal with it."

"Sasuke!" Naruto pbviously had not read that chapter.

Naruto smiled again at the child. "Er, just tell him… he has to play nice and share!"

The child gazed at them both dubiously. Sasuke agreed with Truck-Boy. That advice sucked.

Naruto snarled. "Stop snorting at me Bas—Stop that! I don't want anymore brownies!"

"Brownies?" The little boy came closer (Sasuke cringed) and looked at the container in Sasuke hand's excitedly. Sasuke held it over his head.

"Not until snack time."

"But I want them now!" The child wailed. _Loudly._

"No!" Sasuke tried to match Truck-Boy (who from now on was going to be known as Whiny Ball Boy) in volume but suddenly found himself corned by about fifteen children of various sizes crowding around his knee caps and all yammering at once.

"We have brownies?"

"I love brownies!"

"Are they chocolate?"

"Do they have icing?"

"I want sprinkles"

"I like cookies better!"

"Why can't we have ice cream?"

"Because it's brownies stupid!"

Sasuke briefly wondered when he had become claustrophobic, then his eyes latched onto Naruto, who was suddenly very, very far away. "This is all _your_ fault, Deadlast." Sasuke struggled to refrain from activating his sharingan and become one with the wall.

"I'll go get some plates!" Naruto laughed, weakly, and ran to the kitchen.

Sasuke shifted his focus to snarl at the swarm of wigggling bodies around his knees. "Back off my brownies, Brats!"


	3. C is for Cooties

Title: A is for Anteater

Summary: Cooties of course. Wait, what?

Rating: T (language and innuendos)

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: Sasuke and Naruto are not mine. They just like to yell at each other inside my head.

Note: I would really appreciate some reviews on this. Even a "ha-ha, funny" would be nice. The counters say people are reading this, but I am not getting any responses. I do not like not knowing what the reader thinks about my writing. Is this so horribly OOC that people are cringing at their laptops? Does it make you smile? Feel free to send me your thoughts, no matter their content, I'm a big girl. I can take it.

* * *

Chapter Three

C is for Cooties

Until two days ago, Naruto had been 'completely confident' that he could handle anything life chose to throw at him.

Yesterday 'completely confident' became 'fairly certain,' and today he was only 'mostly convinced.'

Who knew five-year olds were so damaging to your self-esteem?

Naruto knelt down, hands on his knees, so as to be eye-level with his current source of irritation.

"Look," Naruto struggled to keep his voice calm and patient. Sasuke-bastard said the books suggested "speaking in a calm and patient manner" when "asking a child to adapt to social norms." The book people said children were logical beings and would respond better to reasonable explanations than unjustified demands. The book people forgot to mention five-year old logic was the kind of logic which sustained green beans caused cancer and imaginary friends could explain the origins of the universe during tea parties with chocolate muffins.

Honestly, Naruto was not sure how much more "logic" he could take today. Sasuke gave up on "logic" three hours ago and when last questioned "Why aren't you moving from the wall Uchiha-san?" responded that if he moved from the wall the building would collapse. This of course, was _perfectly logical_ to the children who from that point on left Uchiha-san alone to be his heroic wall supporting self.

Unfortunately, this meant Naruto was on his own with the brats until he found something or someone else to support the wall in Sasuke's place as all the children were convinced they were going to die rather violently if "Uchiha-san" so much as sneezed.

Damn kids' inability to detect sarcasm.

Naruto vowed his own children would be excellent sarcasm detectors. The first lesson he would teach them would be how to annoy the hell out of Uncle Bastard. Who would, of course, be the only available babysitter every time Naruto and his wife left for missions.

But first, Naruto needed to convince the five-year old terror known as Tsugaru to share the crayons with three-year old Izumi-chan, who was currently producing enough tears to water his house plants for a month, all because she could not finish her "Kunoichi Keiko" coloring book. "Hey now, look, I know it doesn't sound like the best choice in the world, but you're gonna have to share the crayons with Izumi-chan, okay?"

Naruto held out his hand for the crayon box.

"No." Tsugaru sat on the crayon box to emphasize his refusal to cooperate.

Naruto felt his eye twitch. Calm and patient and logical. "Well, why not?"

"She has _cooties_!" Tsugaru pointed a finger accusingly at Izumi-chan. Izumi-chan's wails increased in volume.

Naruto patted the tearful toddler awkwardly on the back and glared at the offender. "Tsugaru, that's not a nice thing to say! Apologize! Ahhh-hah, err, Izumi-chan stop crying, I'm sure he didn't mean it!"

"Yes I did!" Tsugaru crossed his arms as he sat on the crayon box.

"Tsugaru! Be nice!" Naruto reached forward and grabbed the brat by the collar of his shirt, pulling the child closer and forcing him to stand on his toes. "Don't make up lies because you wanna hog the crayons!"

"I'm not lying, cooties are _real_!" Tsugaru tugged at Naruto's clenched hands. "And _she _has them!"

Naruto shook his head in confusion and sat cross-legged on the floor, maintaining his grip on Tsugaru with his left hand and pulling Izumi to sit on his knee with his right. "Now hang on minute. Tell me , just what do you think cooties are anyways?" Naruto scrunched his eyes in confusion and decided to ignore the snort emitted from Sasuke, who continued to bravely support the wall.

Tsugaru stopped wiggling and crossed his arms defensively. "Cooties are cooties. All girls have them." By this time, several other little boys had gathered around and nodded their heads in support of their friend's claims.

Naruto peered at Izumi-chan, whose wails had subsided to sniffles. "I don't see any cooties." He patted her reassuringly on the head.

"That's 'cuz they're invisibible, duh!" Tsugaru rolled his eyes, looking annoyed (quite a feat for a five-year old who was still dangling almost an inch off the floor).

"Invisibible?" If Naruto was Sasuke, this would be a time when he would do that condescending eyebrow raise. However, Naruto was not Sasuke, so he settled for trying to look incredulous. At least, he thought that was the word for the look of which he was attempting.

"Yup."

"Uhh-huuu."

"Yea-yuh."

The immediate affirmative responses from the huddled hoodlums were slightly irritating. Naruto frowned. Patient, calm, logical. "Well, what's so bad about them if you can't see them?"

Tsugaru tilted his head to consider the question for a moment before responding. "They taminate everything."

"Taminate?" Naruto was confused.

"Contaminate." Sasuke's voice responded in clarification from the wall.

"Oh," Naruto blinked. Well, that solved nothing. Stupid Sasuke. He shook Tsugaru slightly to express his own exasperation. "Contaminate! Contaminate with what? They're invisibible-I mean invisible!"

"Cooties of course!" Tsugaru whined and wiggled in protest.

Naruto lowered the child to the floor. Calm and patient. Right. "Sit!" At Naruto's sharp bark, all four boys sat. Naruto rubbed his forehead in contemplation. "Okay, let's try this one more time. Now tell me again,_ what_ are cooties? I mean, what do they _do_?" Naruto was still trying to follow the book's advice. Surely if he could show through reason and logical questions that cooties were make-believe, all this nonsense would stop.

Tsugaru opened his mouth to answer, and then paused, appearing for all purposes stumped. He turned toward his companions, who appeared equally perplexed.

Izumi-chan stuck her thumb in her mouth and leaned back against Naruto's chest, radiating harmless. Unfortunately, Naruto's sigh of relief was cut short by a voice from the nearest wall.

"They take over your mind."

Naruto's shoulders tensed and his eyes widened. He whirled to face the owner of the voice. "Sasuke!" Naruto's near-yell upset Izumi-chan, who squealed in protest and covered her ears.

Sasuke continued his explanation, undaunted. "Cooties are microscopic bacteria that slowly devour female brain matter, resulting in useless stammering fangirls."

"Sasuke stop-gah, you! You can't be serious!" Naruto looked at Sasuke in disbelief.

"I'm always serious. What did you think was wrong with Sakura and Ino, and the rest of the girls in the Academy for that matter?" Sasuke spoke earnestly.

Naruto looked at him in shock. Surely Sasuke did not really beli—he shook his head from side to side firmly. "Oh, stop it, already! You aren't helping!" Naruto no longer knew what to think. He turned toward Tsugaru. "Give me the crayons, kid, I'll go, err—disinfect them, or something, and then you can use them again, fine?"

Tsugaru watched Naruto suspiciously. "Disinfect?"

"Er, de-cootify them." Naruto slid Izumi-chan off his lap and leaned forward, holding his hand out for the box.

"Huh?" Tsugaru took a step back.

"I'll take the cooties away!" Naruto shook his hand at Tsugaru in demand of the box.

"But she'll just touch 'em again!" Tsugaru shrieked and threw himself on top of the box.

For a moment there was silence.

Ah, heck.

Screw calm and patient.

Naruto snapped.

"I'll spray everything!" He grabbed the box out from underneath Tsugaru, flipping the child on his back, then whirled around to yell at Sasuke.

"Sasuke! Where's the freakin' de-cootyfing spray?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow (Bastard!). "The what?"

"You know, the air cleaning stuff, Chickenhair!"

"Air Freshener?"

"Yeah, that thing, whatever."

"Bathroom."

"Fine," Naruto refocused on the now cowering Tsugaru and the Cootie Alert Network. "See, I have de-cootifying spray and I'm gonna spray everybody and then no one will have cooties anymore and I never wanna hear another word about cooties ever again! NEVER EVER AGAIN! Everyone understand?"

"Hai, Uzumaki-san."

"Good!" Naruto stomped off toward the bathroom, box of crayons rattling in one hand.

* * *

"Sasuke-kun! Naruto-kun! Its so good to see you again!" 

Sakura greeted Sasuke and Naruto eagerly as they approached Ichiraku Ramen, where the three had made plans for dinner that evening.

"Hm." Sasuke took the seat to Sakura's right. "How was Sand?"

Sakura smiled at Sasuke brightly and sipped at her drink. "The mission went fine! They're always so hospitable and Naruto, Kazekage-sama says next time you visit…."

Naruto slumped tiredly next to Sasuke. "Two bowls of miso, Ayame." He spared Sakura a short wave of recognition before dropping his head on the counter.

"What's with him?" Sakura's smile faded to a frown of concern as she peered over Sasuke's shoulder at Naruto's slumped form.

"Ah—" Sasuke accepted his usual cup of tea from the waitress with a terse nod. "The mission is wearing on him."

"Oh!" Sakura's lips quirked upward and her eyes glimmered with hidden mirth. "That's right, Ino told me Tsunade-sama got mad at you two and is punishing you with a… kindergarten class?"

"Daycare." Sasuke grimaced in distaste. "For the offspring of ninja."

Sakura giggled.

Naruto gave a disparaging remark toward children in general, but it was muffled by the wooden countertop.

Sakura giggled more.

Naruto made a disparaging gesture with his finger.

"Hn." Sasuke stared stoically forward and took hold of his drink.

Sakura threw her head up gasping for air and slapped the counter so hard the cups rattled. "Hehehe, haha, sorry, haha, I can't breathe! Oh, I'm s-sorry, that's just too funny…" Her giggles trailed off as Naruto rolled his head to one side to face her.

"Hey, hey Sakura-chan?" Naruto's voice was serious and Sakura attempted to quell her amusement.

"Yes Naruto-kun?" Sakura smiled at him as she toyed with the straw in her drink.

"Umm…" Naruto's voice trailed off, hesitant, unsure whether or not to finish his question.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!" Naruto propped his head up on his arm. "I was just wondering," his face scrunched in confusion "do you have cooties?"

"What?" The glass in Sakura's hand cracked.

Sasuke choked on his tea.

"Well," Naruto forged on, rapidly shooting out an explanation for his question in an attempt to evade Sakura's fists, "Bastardheresaysyouhavecooties,ImeanIdidn'teventhinktheywererealbuthesaysyouhavethemandtheyateyourbrainup—"

"HE SAID I HAVE WHAT?" Sakura's glass completely shattered.

Sasuke suddenly decided that now was the time to leave.


	4. D is for Dinosaurs

Title: D is for Dinosaurs

Summary: Dinosaurs. No, really. Roar.

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: I do not own it. I just play in it.

Author's notes:

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the past chapters, I really appreciate feedback! I am alive, I promise, and I will be finishing this story, just one chapter at a time. Please continure to review, I love to hear any thoughts relating to the story.

Tanaka&yamada: I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, if my cat questioned my sanity, I would question it as well. In response to your question about cooties, here is a definition from wikipedia: "Cootie is a slang word in American English, used by children, referring to a fictional disease. Cooties are believed to be a highly contagious disease or condition, generally carried by members of the opposite gender. One supposedly catches cooties through any form of bodily contact, close proximity, contact with an "infected" person's possessions, or third-party transmission. In prepubescent children it serves as a device for enforcing gender separation. An older person may jokingly refer to cooties when talking about awkwardness toward sex and relationships."

* * *

Chapter Four

D is for Dinosaurs

It was a sunny Thursday morning at the Little Ninja Sitter Center. All the bright-eyed future ninja of Konoha huddled in the far corner of the room, momentarily quiet. Some of the more fidgety in the group teased the fraying edges of the worn, once fluffy, blue rug upon which they sprawled. And, in the center of the little monsters sat one very animated, very orange, and very loud Naruto Uzumaki.

Oh, and one Sasuke Uchiha, who had the privilege of grudgingly sitting next to the bouncing ball of "joyous youth."

Unfortunately, Sasuke knew this was about as calm as his day was likely to be. This temporary peace would soon be shattered as story time was drawing to an end.

In confirmation of this fear, Naruto slammed the book (which Sasuke was not entirely sure was being read correctly in the first place) shut and waved it in the air, dramatically delivering the (supposed) final line to his wide-eyed audience.

"AND—that's the most terrifying creature in the world, the great white shark!"

Little heads bobbed up and down earnestly, "Ooooh, ahhh!" A small splattering of applause followed a chorus of appreciative squeals.

"Nuh-uh." One voice boldly broke out from its peers.

"Huh?" Naruto blinked at his unexpected opposition, a little boy with shaggy brown hair and crooked glasses who barely reached Naruto's waist in height.

The child adjusted his glasses and crossed his arms. "Its not the _most_ scariest."

Sasuke watched the exchange with growing amusement. Naruto's grip tightened on his beloved shark book and his eyes narrowed, annoyed. He engaged the child in true Uzumaki fashion—by matching his opponent's level of maturity. "Yes it is!!"

"No its not!"

"Yes it _is_!"

"No its _not_!"

"Yes it—," Naruto shook his head mid-squawk, abruptly realizing the fallacy of this argument. "Fine then!" Naruto opened the book and pointed aggressively to a rather gory picture of a large grey and white fish happily chewing on something that looked like it was, at one point in time, of the human species. Naruto shook the picture in the child's face and ignored the fearful squeaks of some of the more "squeamish" children in the class. "What's more scary than this thing, huh, huh?"

"A spinosaurus!" The boy smiled triumphantly.

Naruto blinked. "Eh?" The children at his feet also gazed at their comrade in confusion.

"Its a _dinosaur_." Sasuke found twisted amusement in the fact that the little boy rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation with such force he dislodged his glasses. Again.

"_Eh_?" Naruto looked at the kid, whose glasses began to slip slowly down his nose. Naruto looked back at his book, slightly forlorn. "A what?"

"A _Spinosaurus_! Duh." The boy straightened his glasses, again, and adopted a lecturing tone that vaguely reminded Sasuke of Naruto's dear Iruka-sensei. "Its name means spine lizard. Its a genus of theropod dinosaur which lived in North Africa, from the Albian to early Cenomanian stages of the Cretaceous Period, about 95 to 93 million years ago. The distinctive "spines" of Spinosaurus, which were long extensions of its vertebrae, grew up to 6.6 ft long, that's 2 meters for those used to metric system, and were likely to have had skin connecting them, forming a sail-like structure, although some paleontologists suggest that they were covered in muscle and form a hump. According to recent estimates, it is the largest of all known carnivorous dinosaurs — even larger than Tyrannosaurus rex and Giganotosaurus; these estimates suggest that it was 52.5 - 59.1 feet long, 20 feet tall, and weighed 21,825.763 pounds."

Naruto looked a bit lost. "What the heck?"

Sasuke watched as the brat fervently declared, "That means it could eat this_ entire_ class in _one_ bite, Sensei!"

Naruto jumped a bit and scratched his head, "Oh! Er, uhm—well," overwhelmed by the revelation of the existence of such a creature he turned toward his silent comrade, "Gawd, Sasuke, why haven't we ever seen one of those?"

Sasuke's head snapped toward Naruto and his lips thinned.

Naruto simply gazed back with wide eyes, earnestly seeking an answer.

Sasuke grabbed the shark book and hit Naruto upside the head.

"Dinosaurs are _extinct_, Moron!"

* * *

Next Time at the Konoha Sitter Center: Egg Monsters. From Mars. 


	5. E is for Egg Monsters From Mars

Title: E is for Egg Monsters. From Mars.

Summary: It is time for Sasuke and Naruto to face the timeless yet awkward question, "Where do babies come from?"

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: I do not own it. I just play in it.

Author's notes:

Tanaka&yamada: A longer chapter just for you! No seriously, I write dialogue first before anything else, and dialogue for this alone is seven pages. This will probably be the longest chapter in the story. (Though, that is not really an excuse for not updating in so long…)

I'm glad everyone liked the last chapter. Please continue to review as reviews are where I draw my inspiration from to continue writing (even though it may be months later). Even constructive criticism helps, as it challenges you to think through what was confusing in the past and how to best help audience comprehension in the future.

* * *

Chapter Five

E is for Egg Monsters. From Mars.

"Uchiha-sensei! Uchiha-sensei!" Naruto cringed at the high-pitched exclamations of two little boys, each with red hair and freckles, who came barreling past him into the playroom. He waved at their mother, a middle aged woman of medium stature with red hair of only a slightly darker shade. She smiled tiredly and tapped her fingers on the counter as she waited for Naruto to gather the usual paperwork.

Naruto pulled open a drawer, grabbing a file and sliding it and a pen across the counter to the rather harried-looking jounin. "Dropping off the wonderful duo of Ryu and Tsugi again?"

She laughed lightly, "Just for a couple of hours, I have an emergency escort mission, but their father should be here to pick them up this afternoon….Why, sorry you'll have to keep them that long?" Her tone was teasing as she bent over papers.

Naruto grinned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "They aren't that bad really! Just a bit…energetic-" Naruto's eyes widened mid phrase and he choked on his words.

The woman paused and glanced up. "What's wrong?"

"Oh! Nothing, I just realized I'm starting to sound like my academy-sensei!"

Her smile widened and she straightened her pile of forms before handing them back to Naruto. "Be careful of that-it means you're starting to grow up and who is going to pour bubbles into the fountains at the Hyugga compound then, huh?"

She tossed her pen at a flustered Naruto, who caught it while loudly protesting, "That wasn't me! It was Konohomaru, I swear!" Then she adjusted her hitiate and slipped out the front door to a soft tinkle of bells.

Naruto took his time filing the papers, muttering under his breath and trying to let the blush fade from his face before he went back into the playroom. It was to early in the morning to be answering any awkward questions from Sasuke.

Fortunately, when Naruto finally got into the playroom (stupid idiotic pigeon brained child-proof handles!), Sasuke was a bit preoccupied.

Naruto had left Sasuke pooring over jutsu scrolls ("I don't think we're supposed to have those around the kids…" "Hn…most of them can't read yet anyway." "Oh, okay then!"), hunched in a rather ridiculous position in a child sized chair that was less than a foot off the floor, scrolls scattered across a table that was halfway up to Naruto's knee in height.

Now, though, Sasuke was looking rather harassed (and a bit scandalized) as the two red-headed boys from earlier shoved a book into his face and tugged on his sleeves and invaded his personal space in general.

"Guess what Uchiha sensei!" Ryu, the older one (Naruto only knew this because he was an inch taller than his brother) pushed the book closer to Sasuke's face as Sasuke attempted to draw farther away.

Sasuke tried to stand up but was caught off balance by the Tsugi, who clung to Sasuke's right arm. "You were wrong about that question the other day! See, look, look!" Tsugi clutched at the book as Sasuke fell awkwardly back onto the tiny chair. He was emitting a glare that clearly said not only would he never "guess what" even if his life depended on it, but that he was going to perform a katon on that book unless it was put away, right this instant.

However, much to Naruto's delight and Sasuke's dismay, children apparently are not fluent in Glare.

Naruto smirked and crossed his arms, watching the scene play out with growing amusement.

Tsugi (who was about to pull Sasuke's shirt off if he tugged any harder) eagerly pointed at the book as he wrapped himself around Sasuke's arm. "It's right here in this book! Right there, on the last page!"

Ryu stood tall and proud as he spread the paper pages wide for Sasuke's viewing displeasure. "See? See now? Men _CAN_ have babies!"

Something in Naruto's chest stopped moving and fell into his feet before bouncing back into place again. "What the fu—" Naruto choked on his tongue for the second time that morning before scrambling forward on his feet and trying to snatch the book from the two little boys.

Ryu misinterpreted Naruto's horror for interest. "See, Naruto-sensei? It's right here on this page!"

Naruto fell to his knees and reached for the book. "Wait, wha--?" Before he could grab it Tsugi snatched it from Ryu to show his sensei himself.

"It's right here, see? Men can have babies!"

"Let me have that…." Naruto finally grabbed the book in his hands and his eyes quickly scanned the lines on the page as the little boys jabbered about him clamoring, "See! See!".

Naruto relaxed a bit as he finished the page and turned to the two indignantly. "Now, hang on here, this doesn't mean that men can have babies!"

Ryu pouted. "Yes it does! He laid an egg. The boy laid an egg, Sensei. Its right there on that page."

Naruto snapped the book shut and slapped it against his legs as he sat on the floor. "That's not—that's not right—I mean—that's not a baby, it's an egg! The boy didn't have a baby! This is a silly little story," He scrunched up his face in concentration and gave an emphatic nod of the head."Its a not real story, and the boy laid an egg cause he was controlled by some type of monsters..."

Ryu-scowled indignantly, unsuccessfully trying to jump and retrieve his book from his sensei. "Egg monsters! Egg monsters from Mars sensei!"

Tsugi climbed off Sasuke (who hastily stood to remove himself from climbing range) and sat on the floor tugging at his feet. "But Uchiha-sensei told us yesterday that all babies hatch from eggs!"

"Yeah, all babies!" Ryu crouched next to his brother and echoed him in support. "All of them, Sensei, and this boy laid an egg!"

"He told you _what?" _The thing in his chest went on vacation again and Naruto could only stare at them dumbly, mouth hanging open. (A very unflattering position for someone who held the title of the Village's Number One Unpredictable Ninja for the past fifteen years running).

Ryu and Tsugi glanced at each other before Ryu slowly stated, "That all babies—"

"NO!" Naruto cut the kid off. "I mean, I know!—I mean! I heard you the first time kid, just give me a second here." Naruto tried to organize his thoughts but that just made his head hurt worse. Naruto glared at Sasuke, who had his arms crossed leaning against the wall (Wall-Supporting-Bastard! All his fault!) and hissed, "You told them what?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "I said 'all babies hatch from eggs.'"

Naruto struggled for a response and twisted back and forth in agitation on the carpet before eventually screeching (more like squealing, but he liked to pretend he was a bit more dignified)"_Why?!"_

Sasuke sighed. "They asked."

Naruto gave Sasuke a flat look. "They asked what babies _hatch_ from?"

"More or less." Sasuke shrugged.

"Sasuke! That's not, I mean you can't…come on, 'all babies hatch from eggs'?" Naruto was rapidly reaching his gawking quota of the day and valiantly tried to adapt a new expression of surprise but just wound up sprawling out on the carpet and covering his face with his hands in agony.

Sasuke scowled, "I didn't tell them hatched...and I didn't mean hatch from eggs like chicken eggs I meant eggs as in-"

"No! Don't say anymore!" Naruto cute Sasuke off by throwing a hand over Sasuke's mouth. Sasuke's eyes glittered in annoyancce.

"Naruto-sensei?" A tentative voice broke through the haze clouding Naruto's sanity.

"Eh?" Naruto lowered his hands to see the faces of Ryu and Tsugi as well as a small crowd of other children, peering up at him in interest.

Ryu continued, emboldened by his sensei's reply. "Do babies not come from eggs?"

Naruto sat down and scratched at his head, laughing nervously. "Oh, err…well…that's not really something…."

Fortunately, Ryu babbled on, "Because I've seen lots of eggs, but I've never seen one big enough for a person baby before. My mommy told me babies come from seeds, like plants."

Another boy spoke up, flapping his arms, "My mommy said a big bird brought babies!"

One little girl put her hands on her hips and shook her fingers, reminding Naruto vaguely of Ino, "You're all wrong, my Mommy says babies come from jutsu!"

Naruto began to twitch as various explanations for the origin of the human race poured forth from his young charges.

"My mommy said our new baby came from the mailman."

"Nuh-uh, ours came from a lady named Marga Rita!"

"Stop it, calm down all of you! None of that's right!" Naruto flailed spastically in an attempt to stop the chatter.

"Then what is, Sensei!" A girl with wide blue eyes clutched a teddy bear to her chest and gazed at him earnestly.

Naruto began to curl in on himself but one arm was grabbed by Tsugi. "Yeah, where do babies come from?"

Naruto began to gently pry Tsugi from his arm as he nervously answered, "Where do…where do…babies…come….well, you see, Tsugi-kun, I think that's an excellent question for Sasuke-sensei!"

Sasuke's eyes said "I weep for the future" but his actual vocal cords emitted a simple "No."

"Oh, I think it's a perfect question for Uchiha-sensei!" Naruto grinned, relieved at having passed the responsibility of answering onto another.

Sasuke closed his eyes and leaned backwards. "I already gave my answer."

Naruto scowled (End of conversation there. Bastard).

Ryu sat on the floor, crossing his legs. "Yeah, Sensei, Uchiha-san already told us babies hatch from eggs. But, what we wanted to know was how come mommies are the only ones who lay baby eggs."

The little girl with the teddy bear plopped down next to Ryu. "Yeah? How come daddies never hatch a baby?"

Naruto tried for an authoritative tone and patted the girl on the head. "I really think these questions are best for your parents…"

"But Sensei, why can't you tell us?" Tsugi whined and pulled on Naruto's shirt.

"Yeah, we want to know where babies come from!" Ino-like-child put her hands on her hips and stomped a foot, prompting more questions from the gathered children.

"And who lays the eggs?"

"How are eggs laid anyway?"

"Why can't daddies have eggs?"

Ryu squealed excitedly. "They can! They can! The boy in the book had an egg, I already told you!" He pulled out the book (Funny, Naruto thought he had that still) and opened it up, looking for a particular page.

Teddy-bear girl leaned forward in curiosity. "The boy laid an egg?"

Ryu finally found the right page and smoothed the book in his lap. "Yeah, its' right here."

"I can't read yet…"

"I'll read it to you!" Ryu settled himself and cleared his throat.

Naruto leaned over, trying to snatch the book. "I'm not sure…" He was thwarted as Ino-wannabe climbed into his lap and grabbed his hand while Tsugi claimed his free knee. The children settled into a story-time circle and Naruto threw a fully panicked (Unlike Sasuke, Naruto would freely and gladly admit to having fully panicked moments) look to Sasuke. "A little help—"

"No." Sasuke did not even open his eyes. "You started this."

Naruto would have leapt to his feet if he had not been holding two children, but settled for waving his fist at Sasuke. "_I_ started it? How the heck—"

"Naruto-san, you're interrupting the story!" Ino-wannabe snapped and kicked Naruto's legs.

Naruto flinched and grew quiet. "Oh, sorry…wait!"

The girl silenced him by placing a finger on his lips. "Shhh! It's not polite to talk while others talk."

Ryu, meanwhile, was fully enjoying his role as storyteller (being the only one old enough to read). "It's about this boy named Dana. He helps these egg monsters, they come from Mars, escape this crazy scientist guy—"

"Read the story already!" Tsugi whined.

"Fine!" Ryu glared at his brother before clearing his throat to continue. "Anyway 'I pulled on a shirt—'"

Teddy-bear girl raised her hand in the air and in an urgent voice asked, "Wait, who's talking?"

Ryu blinked. "Dana is!"

"Who's Dana?" She hugged her bear closer.

"The boy who helped the egg monsters!" Tsugi answered for his brother and rolled his eyes.

Teddy-bear girl digested this information, but before Ryu could continue, she raised her hand again. Ryu sighed and nodded.

"How old is he?"

Ryu's forehead scrunched up. "Uhh…Twelve!" The hand stayed up.

"What color is his hair?"

Ryu shook his head"Umm-yellow I think…."

Teddy-bear girl cocked her head to the side, before settling back down "Oh." She lowered her hand.

Naruto tried to change the subject one more time. "Kids, I really don't think—"

Ino-wannabe slapped Naruto's wrist and glared at him angrily. "Naruto-san, if you don't stop intruptining you'll be sent to time out!" Naruto meekly closed his mouth and listened to Ryu.

Ryu followed the lines in the book with his fingers. "Anyway, 'I pulled on a shirt and jeans. I was feeling pretty good…' that's not important, blah, blah, blah, and then, at the end of the page—"

"Wait!" Teddy-bear girl jumped up. All the other children groaned.

"What?" Ryu cried in exasperation, waving the book in the air.

The girl crouched close to Ryu and whispered intently, "What color are Dana's eyes?"

Ryu looked at her incredulously. "Why does it matter?"

"It's important!" The girl clutched her stuffeed bear tightly.

Ryu waved the book some more. "No its not! How can it be important?"

"It just is, now tell me, Stupid!" She whacked the child on the head with her teddy-bear. Naruto flinched backward, wondering why all the females he knew seemed so sweet on the outside, but had such violent inner natures.

"Fine, they're brown, err, blue, or whatever, just stop hitting me!" Ryu paused as he sheltered his head with his book momentarily, before wearily taking the book down and opening it to finish the story.

"Anyway, like I was saying at the end of the page, Dana says, "I crouched down on the grass—and laid the biggest egg you ever saw!"

The group sat in silence for a few moments before it was ended by a voice in the back. "Is that it?"

Ryu nodded solemnly. "Yup."

Tsugi untangled himself from Naruto's arm and bounced on his heels energetically. "He laid an egg though!"

Other voices echoed his joyous discovery.

"He did lay an egg!"

"Laid an egg! Laid an egg!"

Ino-wanna be looked up at Naruto. "See, boys can lay eggs! The book says so!"

Naruto sighed and picked the girl up as he stood, setting her on her feet. "But, kids, that's a story."

Teddy-bear girl talked conspiratorially with her bear. "Yes Mr. Bear, its in a book, so it has to be real." Naruto felt a headache coming on (which was very unpleasant as he was used to _giving_ headaches, not _receiving_ them).

Sasuke just shrugged. "Fine."

"Sasuke!" Naruto's temper finally shattered and he flew across the room to shake his (supposed) best friend by the collar of his shirt. "You did _not_ just tell those children men could have babies!"

Sasuke snarled and was about to snap a reply (or push a chidori through his stomach) when Ryu interrupted their spat by clinging to one of Naruto's legs . "But they can sensei, the book says so! The boy had an egg and he was twelve!"

Teddy-bear girl smiled up at them as she clung to Naruto's other leg. "Yeah sensei, you should have an egg, too!"

"_What?" _Naruto spluttered in shock and tightened his fists in Sasuke's shirt.

Ino-wannabe gazed up at him thoughtfully. "Are you older than twelve sensei?"

Naruto could not believe the conversation had taken this turn. "That doesn't matter—I'm not having an—"

Ryu sat on Naruto's foot. "Why not, Sensei? Do you already have an egg?"

Naruto began to shake Sasuke again, this time accidentally as irritation ran through his veins. "No! I don't—"

"You'd be a good mommy sensei!" Teddy-bear girl beamed up at him. Naruto felt Sasuke's chest quiver under his stranglehold and even as he tightened his grip had the sneaking suspicion his (supposed) best friend was laughing at him!

Ryu scowled at the little girl. "No, stupid, he'd be the daddy!"

"Even if he laid the egg?" Tsugi seemed slightly confused by this concept as well. Naruto needed to end this, quickly.

"Look, here, I'm not anybodies dadd—" Naruto felt like throwing kunai at something. Preferably small targets that just stood past his knees. Or Sasuke. That woud work too because now he was _positive _Sasuke _was_ laughing, the Bastard!

"Can we see your egg when it hatches, sensei?"

"I don't—why can't Sasuke have the egg?" Naruto snapped and scowled at Sasuke, who stared back impassively with just the slightest twitch at the corner of his lips- if one knew to look for it of course.

The children looked at each other seriously before gloomily responding, "He's too grouchy."

Tsugi shook his head disapprovingly. "Too grouchy."

Teddy-bear girl's lips quivered as she deduced, "He'd squash it."

Naruto found himself considering that this was probably true, before realizing that this entire argument was nonsense and he needed to end it. Immediately.

Ino-wannabe gave both Sasuke and Naruto a smile as sweet as sugar. "But he can help you with yours!"

"_NO_!" Naruto rapidly pushed away from Sasuke in horror, tripping over children in the process and falling to the floor.

The children converged upon him and the thought quickly flittered across Naruto's mind that this must be what Hell is like, as one child pinned each arm and leg to the floor. "Yeah, sensei! And you can bring it here and play—"

The soft chime of the entry-way bell brought Naruto to his feet again and he flew to open the door of the playroom, relieved to be greeted by a familiar face who could save him!

"Tenten! Tell them Sasuke and I can't lay an egg!"

Ten-ten, who had just returned from a week-long mission and been told by her mother that before she could rest she had to pick up her baby brother from daycare, came to a complete halt."…What?"

Naruto fell to his knees and grasped one of her hands, begging. "Tell them that men can't have babies!"

Ten-ten tried (in vain) to pull her hand away from Naruto. "How…?" She glanced past him into the playroom to see a group of children quietly watching their sensei's emotional break down with wide eyes. Sasuke brushed past them both to retrieve her release paperwork.

Naruto wailed and pointed and tore at his hair (with the hand that was not desperately clutching at Ten-ten). "Smart Ass, here, told the kids all babies hatched from eggs and then they went home and found this book where a boy lays an egg and now they think men can have babies and that Sasuke and I should lay eggs—"

Ten-ten blinked "You should what?"

A brown blur rushed past Naruto and clung to Ten-ten. "They should have an egg, Tenten-nee!"

"An egg?," Ten-ten asked for clarification, ruffling the brown mop of hair snuggling her kneecap.

A bright smile greeted her and hands raised in expectation of being picked up. "Yup! It would be a pretty egg, wouldn't it, Tenten-nee?

Ten-ten finally managed to push Naruto off and picked up her sibling, returning his smile and cooing indulgently. "Yes, a very pretty egg."

Naruto followed her out of the playroom with a tearful "Wha-?"

Ten-ten just laughed as she balanced her brother on one hip and reached out to sign the papers Sasuke had laid on the counter with her free hand. "Take it easy, Naruto-kun, they're just kids!"

"B-b-but, men can't have babies!" Naruto shook his head from side to side pathetically.

Ten-ten raised one hand in a defensive gesture. "Hey, I'm just here to pick up my little brother. You have to clean up that one on your own!" She laid the pen down on the counter and headed toward the door. Only to be stopped as Naruto threw himself in front of it. "No, Tenten you can't—"

Ten-ten sighed and readjusted her brother. "Look, is this the whole 'where do babies come from' conversation?"

Naruto nodded tearfully.

"Then all you have to do is this." Ten-ten turned around and poked her head through the playroom door. "Hey kids!" Curious young eyes watched her face. "I know you've all heard different stories about where babies come from, right?"

Naruto stepped forward to listen better as Ten-ten's voice lowered in volume to just a slight whisper "Well, the truth is…" The kids gathered around the playroom entrance, thirsting for knowledge…"Whatever your parents tell you! Bye now, take care!" Ten-ten flashed a blinding smile and a 'thumbs-up' before sprinting out the (now unblocked) front door.

"Tenten! Come back here!" Naruto howled and watched outside longingly for several moments before reluctantly returning to the playroom entryway where Sasuke waited.

"But my Mom said I grew in the garden!"

"My Mom says I came from the gardener."

Naruto looked at his best friend with large pleading eyes. "Sasuke?"

Sasuke looked back at Naruto, unblinking for several moments, before emitting a (rather large) sigh and grimacing. He strode forward into the room "Who wants brownies?"

* * *

Next Time at The Little Ninja Sitter Center: F is for Field Trip

Author's Notes: Some of you may have realized that the children alternate between referring to Naruto and Sasuke with the suffixes of –san or –sensei and by last name-fist name. This is because a) the children aren't really sure how old Naruto and Sasuke are as their regular caretaker was much older and b) some of the children are more comfortable with them than others (some have older siblings their age or just warm up to Naruto more quickly) and c) children normally address teenaged helpers with a mix of teacher/ms,mrs,mr/helper person/lady/big kid/etc…. Being a teenage teacher of a class of three to seven year olds, I have brought some of these experiences with me into my writing.

By the way, sorry to those who desire it, but romantic pairings will not exist in my story. If that is the way you want to read the story, go for it, but I like writing friendship fics. On that note, this will not be mpreg or anything like it, its just a humorous situation that crossed my mind because I wanted to see how Naruto and Sasuke might act to a group of small children demanding to know where babies come from (and why men don't have them). Afterall, having worked with children before, everytime they start playing house and start fighting over the baby doll this question comes up. And it doesn't matter who is in the room, they want you to answer their question right then, whether you are talking with the head of the department or a pastor. Also, even in this story eggs will not be laid, the kids just got a hold of a silly fiction book and misinterpreted Sasuke-sensei's words from the previous day.


	6. F is for Field Trip

Title: F is for Field Trip

Summary: What is blue and brown and red all over? A really, really, irritated Umino Iruka.

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: If I owned it, Naruto-verse would be a happy world filled with pink bunnies, rainbows, and sugar-spun smiles. Good thing I don't own it then.

Author's notes: Ehhh….so, maybe I've not updated in a little (very little, tiny, bitty) while? Aren't you glad I am still alive though?

Honestly, I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter because I couldn't settle on a point of view to write from. I finally decided to write this chapter from an outsider's point of view, and I think it came out nicely. The OC Ryoko is my creation, but she probably won't appear again, she was invented to tell the story from the angle I desired, and isn't central to the plotline.

Again, please review. Tell me if you love it, hate it, or what not. Tell me what you enjoy and how you think I might be able to improve. I greatly appreciate your time and attention!

* * *

Chapter Six

F is for Field Trip

Ryoko Kameyo was very thankful for living to see her twenty-seventh birthday. If you had asked her sensei of genin days if he believed his most awkward and small student would live to this birthday, he would have snorted and replied that he was doubtful she would live past her first chunin exam. Despite (or perhaps _to _spite) her sensei's opinions, Ryoko held tightly to the philosophy "that which does not kill you, can only make you stronger." It did not hurt that in addition to this nindo, she seemed to have a particularly thick skull. She blamed her father's side of the family.

Unfortunately, living this long as a ninja meant that she bumbled and fumbled her way through the ranks of Konoha until she eventually secured a position in ANBU. Ryoko was by no means a genius, but she worked hard and knew how to maximize her strengths and minimize her weaknesses…and most important for ANBU she knew how to keep her mouth shut. She would never be a captain, but then again, that was not something Ryoko desired. What Ryoko desired was to take comfort in the knowledge that she was good at her job and could perform it properly. While many of her colleagues thirsted for battle and action, Ryoko preferred Hokage-sitting duty. It kept her in the village, close to her kids, but still afforded an opportunity to keep her skills honed. It paid well too. The dental benefits were unparalleled.

For all that it housed the most experienced and (supposedly) wisest ninja of Fire Country, the Hokage's office was generally a fairly disappointing place if one was looking for excitement or adventure. An ANBU could spend hours standing by the door watching harried looking people rush in and out, carrying armfuls of paperwork, and the most interesting occurrence would be the Godaime creating another hole in the wall upon receiving a paper cut. Ryoko usually hid behind her rabbit mask, apathetically watching the sun draw closer to the earth outside the window, measuring the length of her shift and trying to remember what groceries she needed to gather for dinner at the market on her way home.

Today, however, was promising to be a bit more exciting. Business had been proceeding in its usual fashion. Shizune-san watered down Hokage-sama's sake late in the morning while the Godaime was engaged in a rather heated discussion with a merchant demanding a discount on a completed escort mission, claiming one of his chunin guards bled on and thus destroyed his merchandise.

The chubby man tore an oddly feathered cap off his head and thrust it in Tsunade-sama's face. "That chest was hundreds of years old, it's been in the family-"

"And you were attacked and protected, which was the exact wording of our contract. You did not include any clauses covering merchandise damage, and you will pay in full. That's final." Tsunade-sama tipped her drink back for a sip, but spat out the concoction shortly after it touched her lips. She gave her cup an odd look, and then turned to scowl at Shizune who was suddenly very busy with the mission files.

"Sakura-Fix this!" Tsunade-sama thrust her drink toward her pink haired apprentice who quietly acquiesced and slipped from the room.

"My wares are ruined!" wailed the large man, gaining volume and growing red in the face.

"But your life isn't!" Tsunade-sama fixed the man with a cranky stare and slammed her fist on her desk, shaking the entire office. Chubby man wilted and returned to resembling a pasty dumpling in complexion as Sakura slipped back into the room. "Now, you will pay the previously agreed amount or you will not be doing business with us again. Give me that-" Tsunade-sama grabbed the cup Sakura offered her and attempted to drain it, tossing her head back. Instead, she immediately started choking, "What _is_ this?"

"Green tea, Shishou," her apprentice replied, calmly tucking a loose strand of pink hair behind an ear as she resumed reading up on the newest medical jutsu in the far corner of the room.

The Godaime snarled at the girl, "I don't want _tea-_"

"Now, now, Hokage-sama, it can't always be about what you want, you have to think about what's best for the village too…" Shizune-san clucked disapprovingly at their leader, "and you get through more paperwork when you are sober!"

Ton-ton happily snorted in agreement from her shady spot beneath the Hokage's desk.

"But I'm not drunk enough to deal with idiots like him!" Tsunade-sama glowered at the offending merchant, who shrunk just a bit lower in his chair as he fetched his coin purse and relinquished a handful of gold to Shizune's outstretched hand. Tsunade-sama waved dismissively toward the door, "Get him out of here!"

Shizune-sama hastily escorted the merchant, who looked on the verge of tears, away from the office. The room settled into a drowsy calm, broken only by the shuffling of papers and the occasional exchange of questions between master and apprentice regarding medical matters far too complex for Ryoko's comprehension.

The first sign of trouble that breached Ryoko's senses was the faintest flare of vaguely familiar chakra approaching the building. Ryoko tensed-whoever was coming was not happy-but as the chakra signatures grew closer, she relaxed her stance in recognition.

"Hokage-sama…" Sakura's voice trailed off as she glanced at the door, she too was able to recognize their arrivals.

Tsunade-sama's lips tightened as she hunched her shoulders over her paperwork. "I'm not dealing with it. Send them away."

Shizune gave a concerned glance toward the door "But Hokage-sama they aren't alo-"

"I don't care!" The Hokage began to stamp the paper in front of her with a bit too much force. "I'm not in the mood. For _any_ of them. If they aren't dying of blood loss, missing limbs, or in need of skin grafts for third degree burns, I don't want them in my office!"

Shizune-san nodded and closed the door softly behind her as she headed down the hall to intercept their incoming visitors. While Ryoko could not quite grasp the exact wording of the conversation occurring down the hall, she could definitely feel the fluctuating, aggravated chakra and the varying tones, so she was not too surprised when the door flew open and an irate Umino Iruka stomped into the room dragging two rather contrite teenagers and followed by a flustered Shizune.

What was surprising was the physical appearance of their three visitors, as they sported various burn marks, torn clothes, and all were completely drenched. It looked like Umino and his captives had been drug through a bristle patch and then dumped into the wrong side of the hot springs.

"Ow, ow, ow, Iruka-sensei! I said sorry!" The young blond boy whined in pain and twisted in Iruka's grasp. Ryoko inwardly winced in agreement, that grip looked painful, and chunin-sensei were known to have perfected ear-gripping to a form of torture. "It was all accidental, really! I mean, honestly, who knew that adding wind to that katon would make it blow up like that!"

"_Shut up, _Naruto!" The Uchiha heir hissed at his companion from Umino's right, where he stood stiff and flushed, no doubt embarrassed from being dragged by his ear through the village at the hands of his academy sensei.

"These _two…!_" Apparently, Umino was so angry his words were not forming properly.

Well, whatever happened, it would be entertaining. Ryoko settled in to watch the fireworks.

Hokage-sama drummed her fingers on her desk and stared at the display in front of her. Uzumaki flailed and twisted, whimpering in Umino's grasp. Uchiha stared straight forward, studying the far wall as if he might make it melt from the intensity of his gaze. Sakura appeared to be shocked and sat frozen in the corner as Shizune anxiously wrung her hands next to the Hokage. "I'm so sorry Hokage-sama, they just-"

Tsunade-sama stopped Shizune's apology with a raised hand and a grunt. "Sake, _now._" She continued drumming her fingers on the desk. Shizune seemed to want to protest, but when the wood cracked under Tsunade-sama's fingers, she just bobbed her head and fled the room once more.

The Godaime raked her eyes across the room. Finally, she crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "Well?"

Umino took in a large, shuddering breath, "These _two idiot _students-"

Uzumaki cut in, loudly protesting, "Not fair, it's all Sasuke-bastard's fault this time I promise!"

"Shut up, Deadlast!" Uchiha attempted to kick at Uzumaki but got caught in Umino's legs, all three tumbling to the floor and falling in a heap, with Umino sandwiched in the middle of the two teens who struggled to punch at one another.

"You had the smart idea with the microwave asshole!" Uzumaki snapped as he both tried to pull Sasuke forward to land a solid punch and push Umino out of the way.

Umino gave an indignant squawk as Sasuke thrust his hand forward to block Uzumaki and wound up slamming Umino's nose. "It was your wind jutsu!"

Umino folded over in pain, clutching his nose as Uzumaki pushed past him and tackled Uchiha, slamming him to the floor. "I didn't know about sprinklers, you jerk, and now you hurt Iruka-sensei!"

The Hokage rolled her eyes and gave a slight nod to Ryoko, who doused the fussing children with a swiftly murmured "suiton". As the two lay spluttering in shock, drenched (further) with the cold water, Sakura rushed forward to tend to Umino's nose. Ton-ton squealed unhappily and retreated further under the Hokage's desk.

Tsunade-sama muttered something about idiots and sobriety under her breath before taking a sip from a cup given to her by a tentative Shizune. She considered the sopping teenagers sitting subdued on her floor. "It's only one." They both gazed back blankly. "One." Tsunade-sama repeated. "In the afternoon. You do realize that, don't you?"

Uchiha rose hesitantly to his feet and stood, dripping, in the center of the room. Ryoko grimaced in her head, that wood was going to warp, she would have to remember to send in a maintenance request to get the floor fixed. Uzumaki continued to sulk in his puddle, crossing his arms and legs and sticking his lower lip out in a pout.

Tsunade-sama scowled, "I do realize that you both specialize in ineptitude, but how much trouble can you have caused by one o'clock on a Saturday afternoon!"

Uchiha straightened his shoulders and set his jaw stubbornly, averting his gaze from Tsunade-sama's interrogating brown eyes and instead focusing on the scenery outside the window.

Uzumaki shifted uncomfortably on the floor and rubbed a nervous hand up and down the back of his head. "Well, you see…ha-ha…it's, uh, kind of a long story…"

Tsunade's piercing gaze narrowed and she replied in a clipped voice. "Perhaps you'd best start at the beginning then, and hurry it up so I can assess how much property damage you owe."

Uzumaki stuck out his tongue, "So mean, Granny!"

"_Naruto_!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm talking, I'm talking." He cleared his voice and began his story "So, Once upon a time-"

"Naruto, please!" Sakura scolded lightly from the background, where she was applying pressure to Umino's nose.

"It's my story, it goes how I want it to!"

Ryoko was beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to make these two temporary child-carers. They seemed to be regressing.

"Anyways, like I was saying, before I was so _rudely _interrupted," at this statement, Sakura rolled her eyes. "Once upon a time there was an AMAZING SUPERB AWESOME NINJA! and his stupid sidekick." Upon this statement, Uchiha rolled his eyes and scoffed, but did not interrupt the story.

"AMAZING SUPERB AWESOME NINJA! and his stupid sidekick were on a TOTALLY IMPORTANT MISSION, when all of the sudden, their charges got hungry. So, AMAZING SUPERB AWESOME NINJA! decided to stay and do the most important job of protecting their charges while his **stupid** sidekick went to find food-"

"Does this story have a point," interrupted the Hokage, tapping her fingers again.

"I'm getting there!" Uzumaki puffed his cheeks out, which was a mannerism Ryoko was sure he meant to look indignant, but had the (she presumed) undesired effect of making him look life an aggravated pufferfish. "So, when the stupid sidekick went to find food, he decided to make popcorn by putting it into a _metal_ pan in the _microwave!_"

Now the Uchiha, butted in, voice laced with scorn and sarcasm and things most cynical, "Well, maybe if the 'amazing superb awesome ninja' had helped out when he was asked to the microwave wouldn't have exploded! And maybe, if the 'amazing superb awesome ninja' didn't panic when the sprinklers went off, he wouldn't have released a wind jutsu that made the fire bigger!"

Uzumaki glared and stood up, "Oh yeah! Well maybe if the stupid sidekick hadn't tried to use a chidori on me to suppress his conches frustration he wouldn't have electrically fried the building on top of barbequing it!"

"It's 'express unconscious frustration, Moron, if you are going to quote psychological theory, do it properly!"

"Oh excuse me, Mr. I use big words to compensate for my sma-"

"Enough!" The Hokage's voice sliced through the room, ending the argument as quickly and decisively as if she had used fists instead of words. "Alright, you blew up the daycare center, which doesn't shock me as much as it should. So what did you do with your charges and how is Umino involved in all of this?"

"Well…" Here Uzumaki grew sheepish and shuffled his feet against the floor. "We couldn't stay at the center and we couldn't send the kids home, so we decided to go on a field trip!"

"A field trip?" Hokage-sama repeated the word and cocked her head questioningly at the boy.

"Yup! So we went to search for Iruk-"

"Wait, Naruto!" Umino spoke up from the corner, gingerly touching his now healed nose. "Tell Hokage-sama exactly how you went searching for me!"

"I didn't do anything wrong! We didn't hurt them! We just didn't…want them to wander off and get lost or somethin'…"

"Naruto, _what_ did you do?" Sakura's voice indicated that she was dreading the answer, but it was the Uchiha boy that responded first.

"We just…tied them together." Uchiha shrugged. "That's it."

"You tied them together?" Shizune looked confused. "I don't understand…"

"They tied them together. With ropes." Umino rubbed his forehead tiredly, "Like you would tie pets together, and then they tied them off to themselves. One long rope of ninja kids-"

"Naruto! You can't do that to children!" Sakura sounded scandalized.

"It didn't hurt them! I swear, some of them were even having fun!" Naruto held up his hands defensively.

"What about the others not included in that _some_?" Sakura glared threateningly at her teammate and tightened the glove on her wrist.

"Well, uh, they might have been whining a bit, but those ones were tattle-brats anyway, they were perfectly fine!"

"Naruto!"

"Enough! Again, moving forward….Shizune, I need more sake! Now, Naruto, Sasuke, is there anything else I need to know about?" Tsunade watched both young men twitch.

Uzumaki vehemently shook his head negatively, "Nope! Nothing else!" He gave a large, fanged, grin, "Oh, look at the time! Gotta go!"

"Naruto!" Umino's sharp tone stopped his former student in his tracks. "Leave this room without finishing this story and I'll never treat you to ramen again!"

Uzumaki's jaw dropped "No ramen, sensei, too harsh!"

"Talk!" was Umino's stiff command.

The Uchiha offspring sighed and spoke up in his friend's silence, "We took the charges off to find Iruka-sensei, we figured he would have an idea about what we could do…."

"Only when we got there they told us Iruka-sensei took his class out for field work so we went to see him in the practice field!" Uzumaki's bright chirp made the situation seem completely innocent and harmless.

Umino snorted, "I was giving my students their first practical in detecting traps, and apparently, these two thought the course was too easy and, decided-"

"To help! We only wanted to help!" Uzumaki swayed apologetically. "We were trying to teach too! We were teaching our kids how to set better traps, we didn't realize Sensei was about to run the course to show the kids what to do! Honest!"

Uchiha chose his words carefully, "We reset things a bit too well, I think…"

"We didn't mean to blow your practice field up, Iruka sensei, I swear!"

"That's not the point Naruto! Somebody could've been hurt!" Umino shouted indignantly and looked like he was about to start pulling out his hair. "My kids are seven, not seventeen, they can't deal with traps that advanced!"

The two boys exchanged looks. Naruto spoke up timidly, "Well, um, sensei, we are ninja…?"

"But Naruto," Sakura chimed in, "You can't expect children, who aren't ninja yet, to be able to find traps that you and Sasuke set."

Uzumaki looked at her puzzled, "Why not?"

Uchiha gave a choked sound, and the corner of his lips tilted upward ever so slightly, "Afterall, Sakura, if they can't find _Naruto's_ traps, that doesn't bode well for their future..."

Uzumaki shook his head in agreement, "Yeah! We totally did them a favor! Believe it! Wait…you just insulted me you creepton!"

Sakura hung her head in her hands.

"I think you mean cretin, Naruto" said Umino, who was beginning to resemble a calm if overworked academy teacher once more.

Tsunade put her pen to some paperwork "Alright, Naruto and Sasuke will be charged for damages to the daycare…"

"Awww, Granny, please? We're not getting paid much now anyway…" The Uzumaki boy whined and leaned pleadingly over Tsunade-sama's desk.

Tsunade-sama huffed, but was long past sober and agreed that the boys would not have to cover financial damages this time, but they would have to replant the practice field.

"So, Granny, since the daycare is busted, does this mean Sasuke and I can do something else now?" Uzumaki cast large, hopeful eyes on the Hokage.

Tsunade-sama's lips quirked, "I'm not that drunk. You'll still be serving the same duty for the original duration of the mission, we'll just have to temporarily relocate the center." Sakura snickered at the crestfallen look on Uzumaki's face as Uchiha stared, unaffected, out the window. Tsunade-sama paused as she made some notations on a scroll lying on her desk. "Naruto, where are the kids right now?"

Uzumaki absentmindedly rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Oh, its fine, Iruka-sensei sen his home and we tied ours off to Kakashi-sensei."

Tsunade-sama dropped her pen and Sakura stopped mid snicker, "You did _what_?"

Uzumaki looked up alarmed "Don't screech Sakura –chan! We figured Kaka-sensei knows how to raise dogs and kids aren't that much different, I mean you just feed, water, and play with them…stop lookin' at me like that! Don't hit _me,_ Sasuke came up with it first!"

Tsunade-sama shook her head sadly and Umino hesitantly stepped forward. "Should I go rescue the children, Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade-sama shrugged her shoulders, "They don't possess flawless logic, but time with Kakashi won't kill them. It will probably do him some good. Let him deal with the brats for a couple of hours. Go relax and take Naruto for ramen and get him out of my office."

"Ramen?" Uzumaki popped his head in between the two, staring in devoted adoration at Umino, "Are we having ramen sensei?"

Umino sighed, laughing in resignation, "Well, I'm not very good at saying no, so I guess so!" Tsunade-sama shooed them toward the door.

Uzumaki let out a loud woop and caught Uchiha's arm, "Come on Bastard, let's go get ramen. Sakura-chan are you coming?"

Sakura hesitated and bit her lip, "I really shouldn't, I have so much work…" She trailed off looking at the Hokage.

Tsunade-sama waved Sakura toward the door, and the pink haired apprentice flew after her teammates.

"Umm, sensei…I'm really sorry that Sasuke bastard hurt your nose, but I'm sure you've had worse, right?…."

The voices faded as Shizune slid the door shut and leaned against it. "I don't know what it is about those three, but they always leave me exhausted!"

Tsunade-sama grunted in agreement and attempted to take a drink only to find it disappointingly empty. She held it upside down and scowled.

Shizune crossed the room and began to pick up papers that Uzumaki knocked over during his visit, "Are you sure it's ok to leave those children with Hatake-san for such a long time?"

The Hokage played with her empty sake cup irritably, "It's only a few hours. Besides he's gonna have to get used to children some day and really, they aren't that much different from puppies…"

Ryoko sometimes wondered how anyone could assume ninja to be wise when they chose a career path which almost guaranteed a painful death and halved life span. She supposed insanity was a requirement. She sighed, soon she would be able to go home to her own children. She hoped that they hadn't gotten into her explosive tags again…she hated having to call the medic nins after five.

* * *

Once Upon a Time…In a Not so Far Away Part of Konoha

Hatake Kakashi was having a very odd day, he decided. About two hours ago, his two not quite so beloved students dragged him out of a tree, said "Here, take these," thrust a handful of ropes into his hands, and promptly disappeared, followed by a screaming, frothing chunin sensei who chased them down the street.

So, now the infamous copy ninja found himself sitting in the middle of the park surrounded by ten rather young children. He was a bit worried about moving, he was (not scared, of course) but concerned about possibly stepping on one. He might break them. And while he was dealing alright with them at the moment, he wasn't sure what would happen if one of them became broken.

"We want a story, sensei!" Demanded a very, very, young girl in pig-tails who vaguely reminded Kakashi of Asuma's student Ino. Well, stories were easy enough…he had one in his pocket, he'd just have to…edit…a bit.

He cleared his throat as the children settled about his feet, "Once upon a time, there was a lovely, young…er, but older than you, buxom blonde with-"

"Sensei!"

"…Yes?"

"What's 'buxom' mean?

"…"


	7. G is for Gai Sensei

Title: G is for Gai Sensei

Summary: Sometimes revenge is a dish best served anonymous.

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: It's not mine.

Author's notes: Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed, it really is very encouraging to know that people read and appreciate what I write. The greatest joy I receive through my writing is knowing that it has made somebody smile and laugh.

* * *

It was Sunday. It was two in the afternoon. And it was ridiculously hot. Sasuke could feel the sweat dripping down the back of his neck and soaking his shirt as he bent down to grab a can of paint. He picked up a brush and held it in his teeth for a moment as he wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and flicked the excess sweat at Naruto.

"Eeew, gross man!" Naruto grimaced and stuck his tongue out at his partner, but a few moments later he was back to cheerfully whistling and painting his part of the wall.

Tsunade had found them a building to relocate their childcare center too, but it apparently had been a morgue in its past life; either that or an interrogation office. Painting every wall black would be a really effective way to hide blood stains.

Tsunade was giving them one day to repaint the building and put it into 'top operating condition.' Sasuke thought leaving the walls black would be fine, but one glare from Tsunade had him adding that he would not be averse to spending a few hours painting the walls a more…welcoming…shade. Unfortunately, neither Naruto nor he knew how fix the air conditioning and the repairman would not be arriving until early the next morning, by which the painting would have to be finished. Until then, Sasuke was stuck in this tedious business. He was stuck standing there just listening to Naruto cheerfully whistling. Dip brush, swipe brush, swirl brush, sweat, repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Wipe sweat out of eyes. Repeat. Listen to Naruto whistle. Annoying, annoying. Paint, sweat, whistle, repeat.

"Naruto."

"Yeah," Naruto said, not looking away from his patch of paint on the wall. He flipped his brush with a bit too much energy and spots of green paint speckled his face. He painted on, oblivious. And still whistling.

Sasuke stared at him and pulled back from the wall. "Stop whistling."

Naruto turned, surprised, then whiny. "But…"

"No." Sasuke bent down to dip his brush back into the paint can and almost plunged his entire arm in as the door crashed open behind them.

"GAhhH!" Naruto squealed and his brush went flying from his hand to land against the far wall. Great, that wall was supposed to be yellow…but Sasuke could not really fault his friend for his surprise because quite frankly, Sasuke was currently making a better effort than that brush to become one with his wall.

Naruto remained frozen in fright at Sasuke's side, but before them, framed in a halo of afternoon light from the abused door, stood a nightmare in tights.

"Oh most inspiring of youths, it is I! The Lovely Green Beast of Konoha, come to your aide!"

Naruto tensed even more and moved one arm so his hand was clutching Sasuke's shirt sleeve. Lips barely moving he whispered, "Sasuke…"

"Yes?" Sasuke looked at Naruto from the corner of his eyes. Naruto's eyes were clenched tightly close.

"Is he still there?" Naruto kept his eyes closed.

Sasuke looked back to the door. "Yes"

Naruto slowly opened his eyes and relaxed his tense posture. "Crap."

Sasuke blinked. "Yes."

Gai blundered on, waving his arms dramatically, ignoring their exchange. "My most youthful friends, I just returned from a glorious mission bathed in the golden glory of success and heard of your heart-breaking endeavors!"

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged a 'look,' one in which Sasuke raised his eyebrows and Naruto's jaw dropped a bit lower than was usually considered physically possible.

"Upon my victorious return, imagine my delighted surprise to receive a note from my eternal rival to meet him for lunch at the most blessed of ramen stands, Ichiraku."

Naruto nodded emphatically and Sasuke narrowed his eyes, he opened his mouth to speak but Gai was suddenly in front him, gripping him tightly by the shoulders and gazing determinedly into his face. Sasuke choked on his words and stopped breathing. Maito Gai had no such issue. "Alas, I went there and he must have been preoccupied by something that demanded his cool and collected intelligent demeanor for something kept him from keeping our most jubilant engagement. However, that most invigorating of ramen stands has the most charming owner, who, once learning of the eternal band of brotherhood existing between ourselves, enlightened me into your most spirited and patriotic endeavors. Of course, after hearing about my esteemed rival's two most beloved students' acquaintance with misfortune and dire need of aid, I could not sit back and simply leave you to the exhaustion and despair of working on such a commendable feat alone!"

Letting out a gasping sob, Gai pulled both Sasuke and Naruto into a tight, inescapable hug. Naruto looked fearfully at Sasuke over Gai's shoulder. Sasuke thought he could make out Naruto mouthing 'What the hell is he talking about?,' but could only shrug (as best he could in Gai's vice-like grip) weakly.

Gai released them and they both slumped to the floor and hurriedly scooted back to the safety of the far wall as Gai continued to rant. Naruto's head hit the wall with a thump and Sasuke sat quietly next to him, murmuring, "He must have heard about the daycare blowing up."

Naruto scrunched his face up. "But how? None of us mentioned that to Ayame or anyone when we went to get ramen yesterday. And how did he figure out where we were today anyway?"

Their conversation was interrupted as Gai fell to his knees before them, hands dramatically slapping the floor in a petitioning gesture as he looked up at them with large, black, tearful eyes. "So I summoned the remains of my energy and rushed to meet you! Please, accept my assistance!"

Naruto shifted awkwardly, but could not back up further as he was pinned against the wall. "Well, um, er…"

Gai reached forward and grabbed Naruto's hand in his own. "I won't take no for an answer, I won't rest until we have created the most beautiful and imaginative and invigorating of child care centers in the entire fire country…"

To his credit, Naruto did try to cut him off. "Well, really, Gai-sensei…"

Gai continued on furiously, gathering a sing-song pacing to his ravings, "Strike that, together we shall create the most beautiful learning center any ninja village has ever known. It will inspire youthfulness, so that the future of our village will have a place to safely grow and blossom…"

"We're just painting the walls—"Naruto's comments were overwhelmed by the typhoon of Gai's passionate explications.

"Come comrades! Arm yourselves with your brushes and the youthful paint of the future!" Gai drug them both to their feet, swung an arm around each of their shoulders, and gazed fondly at their surroundings. "We shall paint the most glorious inspiring youthful child's daycare room that ever a youthful child was cared for in. To arms!" Gai's own arms lifted high in the air and then down again. Gai spun to face them, eyes flashing and manic, voice low and determined. "If not, I vow to personally help mentor and care for every child that walks through that door to make up for the deficiency in communicating for the duration of your mission."

Sasuke's head snapped up and he practically threw the paint can and brushes at Naruto. "Paint. Now."

Naruto wobbled back and forth on his feet, meekly responding to Sasuke's command with a quavering, "I think I'm gonna be sick…."

* * *

Sakura sat, bored and bitter, at the Ichiraku Ramen Stand. She kicked her feet and played with the straw in her drink. She was supposed to have met the boys here thirty minutes ago and neither had shown yet. She was startled from her irritation by someone slipping into the seat next to her. Her head popped, she would have noticed earlier if it was someone she hadn't known—

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura felt her eyes widen in surprise but Kakashi just raised an arm to call over the serving girl. "Ahh-Sakura, I hope you don't mind, I think I'll be joining you tonight."

Sakura reminded herself to close her jaw and found herself slowly but reflexively shaking her head. "No-not at all, it's just, well, you never really have come out to meet us for dinner before…" She tentatively raised her eyes to glance at her sensei, but the expression he wore only hinted that he was in good humor which…either meant a new Icha Icha novel had come out or that he knew something she didn't and was going to take enormous pleasure in reveling in holding a secret and making her guess. She took a deep breath, "I mean you've always had a standing invitation, but may I ask why…?" She let her question trail off as her sensei placed his order.

Apparently, Kakashi was going to indulge her curiosity tonight because she actually received a direct response to her question. "I'm actually not meeting you—you see, I was supposed to meet Gai here for lunch, about, oh well now… that would have been almost five hours ago? Silly me…time flies when one is looking for their wallet." He shrugged and his one visible eye curled.

Sakura scowled. "That took you five hours?"

"It was at Anko's," Kakashi replied as if that answer was self-explanatory, and perhaps it should have been. Their food arrived and they both sat in silence for a few moments, enjoying the warm food and unusually peaceful company.

A thought flitted through Sakura's mind and the corner of her lips quirked. Surely one, little, taunt would be ok. She looked up and smiled at her sensei. "I heard you had fun babysitting yesterday?"

A flat look appeared on Kakashi's face. "Oh yes, great fun. Darling little demons. Want twelve just like them." He flicked a stray noodle off the table.

Sakura placed her chopsticks on her empty bowl. "By the way have you seen Sasuke or Naruto?"

"Here, let me take that for you," Sakura looked up and leaned back as Ayame picked up her finished plates. Ayame moved to take Kakashi's plate as well. As she left she smiled, teasingly saying "It's not often we see you for breakfast and dinner, sir, should I be planning on feeding you three meals a day now?"

Sakura narrowed her eyes at her sensei as he flirted back with the waitress before returning to their conversation. He cocked his head to the side, considering her for a moment before answering in a slow drawl, "No, not seen anyone all day." He smiled, his eye curling again. Standing up, he placed some money on the table for his bill before sticking his hands and slouching off. He paused a few steps away from the table and gave some parting advice. "Although, you probably shouldn't expect them to join you tonight, it's just a hunch, but I think they've had one of those I-need-a-raincheck-stuck-tangling-with-unstoppable-forces-of-nature-days."

Sakura crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair as her sensei pulled out his favorite book and, whistling, faded into the night. She supposed she had better go bug Ino if she wanted to have any fun tonight. She still had no idea what her sensei was on about, but if he was this self-satisfied about incapacitating her team mates she imagined they wouldn't be showing up for dinner at all the next week.


	8. H is for the most disgusting thing ever

Title: H is for the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen…

Summary: Sometimes Sasuke doesn't even want to know.

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: It's not mine.

Author's notes: Yeah….it's been a while, but the inspiration has returned at last. As usual, if I make you smile, please review! It makes my day to know I made someone laugh.

* * *

Saskue sat in the far corner of the room, right next to the window. He was currently on top of a rather sturdy bookshelf, with his back up against the wall and his legs sprawled up in front of him. It wasn't a particularly tall bookshelf, and it stashed toys rather than books, but Sasuke had already decided it was his favorite piece of furniture in the room. It was the only thing tall enough to keep him out of reach of the children running amuck below, screeching about their toys and kicking crayons all over the place.

Sasuke was too tired to deal with it today. He and Naruto had been up all night painting the room till it finally met Gai's satisfaction. And then Gai-sensei decided it had to be furnished too-so they'd been running all over Konoha in the early hours of the morning looking for items to furnish the daycare—Naruto even had a handful of bunshin out helping with the painting and building some shelves and chairs. Sasuke hadn't even known that Naruto knew how to build shelves and chairs. He made some very pretty cornice boards too.

The new Center wasn't as big as the previous one, but it did have an attached kitchenette and two bathrooms. It even had a rather large storage room, which the previous location lacked. Sasuke had already tried to grab a moment's rest in it (He wasn't hiding, damn it), but Naruto found him and started putting up such a fuss that Sasuke ultimately decided it wasn't worth it.

On top of everything, the air conditioning repair guy hadn't been able to fix whatever the problem was with the a.c., and mumbled something about needing some certain wires that were on back-order and some such nonsense. Chh…whatever. The man knew a guy who knew a guy who'd come fix it after his day job was over.

Sasuke didn't care. Really didn't care.

In the meanwhile, he and Naruto looked like death warmed over (having gone without sleep and been on high-Gai-alert for most of the previous night). Sasuke handled it by removing himself from their charge's reach. Naruto just sat despondently in the middle of the room for the majority of the day, somehow able to sleep while sitting even with children swarming all over him.

It didn't help that Sakura showed up mid-day—she knew that they hadn't had a chance to grab food in a while—but instead of bringing something substantive it was this horrible fake-food stuff that she and Ino had been trying lately. Mini carrots and some type of salad sprinkled with some random unappetizing fish. And two bags of celery. Seriously. Unfortunately, Sasuke was hungry enough that he ate it. Naruto just scowled and became unusually snappy, using the mini carrots in a mock kunai-fight with some of the four year olds.

In turn, this made Sakura defensive and lecture-y, prompting a thirty minute rant about eating balanced food groups and such. Which normally wouldn't have been anything new…except that she had to cross the line and start insulting ramen. Again, that wasn't too far from the norm, but when she brought Ichiraku into it, this pushed Naruto's sulk to new heights, leading to a blowup of fantastic proportions…with children crying and Sakura storming it and slamming the door so hard that Sasuke had to go realign the hinges.

The kids were much quicker to bounce back and move on than their teenage counterparts. Ten minutes later they were back to happily wreaking havoc on the jungle gym that Gai built in the middle of the room (Sasuke was outvoted on that one) and Naruto was sulking under the slide. He didn't even protest when some of the little girls took to brushing his hair and tying bows in the little tufts they could cluster together.

So, to sum things up, it was a fairly crappy day with all three members of Team Seven unusually aggravated with one another and Sasuke and Naruto stumbling around tense, sleep deprived, and Naruto stuck in an awkward funk.

Later, Sasuke would look back and remind himself never to let this combination of events ever occur again.

But, at the moment, Sasuke didn't have any warning of the bad life choices that were about to be made. He was quite content to bask in the sunshine of his window and let the children do whatever they want (short of drawing blood) for the remainder of the day.

*tap, tap, tap*

That was an irritating noise.

He would ignore it.

*tap, tap, tap*

Sasuke gave a low grunt, and opened an eye. Naruto was tapping on the glass of an animal tank sitting on top of the bookshelf next to Sasuke's.

He still looked a bit brainwashed, and the curiosity normally present in his gaze was lacking. He tapped his finger gently against the glass three more times.

Sasuke's eye twitched. "Naruto," he murmured in warning.

Naruto just pushed his forehead against the glass.

He stayed that way for a few moments and Sasuke closed his eyes and relaxed once more against the wall.

"Sasuke."

Oh no. He knew better than to answer.

"Sasuke."

If he didn't acknowledge it, it didn't happen.

"_Sasuke._"

Go away. Go away. Go away.

"Sasuke, I think these have to be the most disgusting things I've ever seen."

Damn you internal mantra for not working.

*tap, tap, tap*

Sasuke's eyes flew open. "Stop tapping, now."

Naruto didn't move his forehead from the glass, just continued to gaze mindlessly into the terrarium's depths.

"But its just so, so…I don't even have the words."

Sasuke huffed impatiently. "Then do what I do and stop talking about it." He scrunched his eyes shut and tried to block out the other boy.

"But don't you hear that? Can't you hear that? They're _hissing_, Sasuke!"

Sasuke internally groaned as he recognized the spark of life coming back into Naruto's voice. He cracked one eye slightly and watched his idiot team mate peering into the tank that housed the new class pets.

"Do you think they bite?"

Sasuke snorted. "Do I look like I care?"

Naruto stood slowly, leaning over the tank so he could peer straight down into it. It didn't have a top, so his vision of the creatures was now completely unobstructed. "Could I…should I hold one?"

Sasuke grimaced. "Leave them alone." Who knew what type of diseases those things were carrying.

"But Sasuke," Naruto's voice was a bit louder now. "They're just so disgusting."

Sasuke straightened up from his slouch. "First, we've established this already. Second, yes, I agree, and now you want to touch them?"

In Sasuke's opinion, they should have thrown the things out when they were brought in that morning. That brat's mother was right when she wouldn't let them in her house. Who cares if the kid's older brother brought them back from a mission—it was probably just as a joke anyway. Sasuke wouldn't want those things in his house either.

*tap, tap, tap*

Sasuke clenched his teeth and dug his nails into his palm. "Naruto, If you don't stop tapping that tank, I swear—"

"Oh, Sasuke!" Naruto jumped up, but still kept his hands on the tank.

Sasuke knew that tone of voice, that was a bad tone of voice. He could make it to the storage room in five seconds, but it didn't lock from the inside…he could make it to the front door in fifteen, but he risked stepping on children—the window! Was it locked? What if—

"I've just had the best thought I think I've ever had."

Sasuke winced as Naruto's face was suddenly inches from his own.

"No."

"Oh, yes." Naruto began to nod gravely. "Definitely yes. Now, I'm going to need your help—"

"No." Sasuke shook his head and pressed his back against the wall. "No, no, no."

Naruto leaned forward with a whine, "Come on, not for much, but—"

"No." Sasuke tried to imbue his voice with iron. He pressed down the defensive instinct to use the sharingan.

Naruto thrust his lower lip out in a pout and pulled on Sasuke's sleeve. "Seriously Sasuke, you'll barely have to lift a finger—"

Sasuke frowned and pushed at Naruto until he took a few steps back. "Then you don't need me."

Naruto began a low howl. "Yes, I do, I do…it just won't be as fun on my own." He sat down on the floor and continued his tantrum.

"Too bad."

Naruto was acting even more childish than normal; Sasuke assumed he was just tired. It'd been a long day after all.

"Pfft." Naruto laid on his back on the floor and pushed a couple of blocks around with his feet. "You are such a mood killer."

They sat in silence (well, silence for them, the kids were still pretty loud—if they were silent it'd mean they'd finally managed to kill somebody—Sasuke really didn't want to have to yell at them for that today) for a few moments, and Sasuke began to calm down a bit. Maybe Naruto was finally old enough to know when to let certain things go. He would be fine if all Naruto was going to do was be surly and kick at toys the rest of the afternoon. They were in the perfect place for that, he'd even have friends to join him in his tantrum.

Naruto stared up at the ceiling and chewed on his lip as Sasuke began to let his guard down, slowly unclenching his fists.

"No."

The fists were back.

"I can't step down on this one, it's just too good, we're going to have to do it."

Sasuke groaned. "No, we really don't."

Naruto stood, brushing the imaginary dust off his pants and planting his hands on his hips.

Boldly, he faced his reluctant soon-to-be partner in crime. "Oh, but we really do. This just may be my best plan ever."

Sasuke hid a flinch. That was the exact statement he was most afraid to hear.

"The last time you said this we blew up the daycare…and got fined a ridiculous amount for unapproved use of classified jutsu in public."

Sasuke's bitter voice was meant to jolt Naruto into reality, but the boy was already too far gone with plans of glory.

"Yes, but this time is different." Naruto hummed as he strode over to the tank and patted it possessively.

This was not going to end well.

"This won't end well—and I refuse to cooperate."

Sasuke was going to take a nap and ignore the world until Naruto either came to his senses or was carted off to Tsunade to face the consequences for whatever ill-fated scheme he was concocting in his head.

"Sasuke."

….No. No. No. Don't look. Don't twitch.

"Sasuke!" The sing-song voice came closer as Sasuke tried to lock himself in his head.

"Sasuke…"

Naruto was so close now that Sasuke could feel the intake of breath used to murmur his name. But he wasn't going to react. Not going to happen.

A low whisper next to his ear—"I'm going to call in a favor."

Sasuke couldn't help the involuntary snappy response, "You don't have any favors."

Game's up, Sasuke opened his eyes and scowled at moron grinning gleefully at him.

"Remember that time you almost killed me?"

"Which one?"

Sasuke's snide response only caused the grin to stretch wider—Sasuke shuddered as he noticed just how notoriously fox-ish Naruto was looking at the moment.

"Doesn't matter, I'm calling in the favor."

Damn it.

* * *

Several hours later, Sasuke and Naruto were crammed uncomfortably into a tall tree, one of many growing around a modest looking apartment complex.

"I can't believe you're calling that favor for this." Sasuke's whispered snarl was soft in the dim light of a crescent moon. His sharingan whirled slowly as he kept a look out and maintained an almost completely undetectable low-level genjutsu designed to keep people from looking to closely at their chosen perch.

Naruto just hmmed happily next to him, as he focused his binoculars on the room a dozen or so yards directly out from their line of sight.

"This is going to be so awesome, Sasuke." Naruto's voice, while quiet, was dense with the excitement stirred by their recent plot.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was tired, grouchy and wanted to go home and bury himself in bed so he could pretend that this month never happened. "We're stuck in a tree."

Naruto nodded in acknowledgment. "Isn't it awesome? It's simple, but fantastic, no, epic. This is going to be epic."

Sasuke highly doubted that. He shivered slightly in the night air. "People are going to think we're stalkers. Peepers. You learned this from Jiraiya, didn't you?"

"Now, now, don't be bitter because my creepy-old-pervert sensei taught me more practical lessons than yours."

Sasuke glowered. "We're going to get killed."

Naruto didn't look away from the room they'd staked out and kept the binoculars firmly in place. "She'll only mostly kill us."

Sasuke wasn't going to dignify that with a response.

"Fair is fair and all you know—that's why I'm calling in that favor for this. I'm not completely ignorant of what the consequences will be." Naruto cackled softly and leaned forward a bit, steadying himself by placing a hand on Sasuke's shoulder.

"You. Are. A. Moron. A moron, a moron…." Sasuke hissed the words through clenched teeth and mentally braced his legs in preparation for a fast leap from the tree as the lights finally lit up in the window they were watching.

Naruto also tensed with anticipation and chuckled deep in his throat. "But you like me that way, now shssh, it's time for the good part."

* * *

Sakura was exhausted. A deep, bone aching exhaustion she felt from her heels to the tips of her fingers. She'd been on emergency room duty for the past twelve hours, only taking a break to try and have lunch with her unappreciative teammates. Seriously, they'd eaten ramen three times in the past week alone. Would it kill them to try something more healthy? Maybe if they tried new foods every once in a while they'd surprise themselves by finding something that they'd like.

She rubbed her forehead as she went into her bathroom and changed to a sleeping gown.

All she wanted to do was climb into her nice, soft, wonderful bed and be dead to the world for a day or two. Maybe when she woke up she wouldn't want to strangle so many people.

She hit the lights off in the bathroom and yawned before crossing the bedroom to hit those lights off too—

….was that a hiss? She paused with her land on the light switch and looked around the room, puzzled. Nothing seemed out of place. She waited for a minute, but didn't hear the noise again. She shrugged and hit the switch. Maybe it was a pipe or the wind or something.

She closed her eyes as she slipped into bed, giving a soft sigh of contentment.

Ten minutes later, something tickled her leg. She ignored it and rolled over, she was probably dreaming.

So weird, it felt like scratchy, like…Her eyes snapped open and she threw off the covers and scrambled back to the headboard. It took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the darkness and see—

"Wa…waa-aa," she stared at her unwelcome bedmate and began to hyperventilate for a couple of seconds before she sucked in a good, deep breath and wailed—

"AHHHHHHHHAHHHHHAHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF IT OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF! YYEEEEEEEEKKKKK! KILL IT! KILL IT DEAD! I WANT IT DDDDEEEEEEEAAAADDDDDDDD!WAAHAAHAHAAH!"

* * *

Outside Sakura's apartment, Naruto was stuffing his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing as Sasuke's life began to flash before his eyes faster and faster in correlation to the increasingly high pitches of Sakura's screams.

Suddenly, Sakura's window was thrown open so fast that the shutter bounced against the wall and shut again, much to Sakura's frustration if her howl of indignation was anything to go by.

Naruto and Sasuke flickered from the tree and sped down the street to a fading cry—"Naruto! I know you're out there! When I catch you, I'm going to castrate you with a SPOON!"

Sasuke huffed in between pants as ran down the street with Naruto. He glared furiously at his idiot teammate and swore. "This was not worth that favor."

Naruto laughed, but didn't slow down. "I didn't think she'd actually sleep with it!"

Sasuke just glared in disbelief. "What else did you think would happen when you put hissing cockroaches in her bed?"

Naruto shrugged nonchalantly, "I thought she'd find them first!"

They both shivered as they heard another scream in the distance. Naruto pumped more chakra into his legs, "Run faster!"


End file.
